In an open letter to Tim Burton, Quappchattttzzsss staff writer ‘Jerkwater Berg’ pleads with the once awesome director to pack-up-and-shit-off after seeing the trailer for his upcoming move Dark Shadows. Trailer after the fold…

Dear Mr Bruton,
Re: Time Bruton’s ‘Dark Shadows’
I’m sorry Time, but enough’s enough. The more I think about this, the more irritated I am. I feel I have reached an apotheosis of mild irritation and I need to lance this particular pustule and release it’s milky-stink by way of a good scratch. Hence this letter to you. First off, may I just say how much I enjoyed your earlier pictures, which exhibited an individualistic flair and original insights into the role of the outsider in society within a wonderfully stylised milieu concocted from your own nostalgic colouring book. Thank you for the many years of decent entertainment, I will look back on those times with fondness. That time is now at an end. Time you stopped now Time.
I have recently watched your new trailer for your upcoming new movie, (which you appear to have farted out); ‘Dark Shadows’. It appears you and I have come to something of an impasse. Firstly off, my main issue is how tired I feel by this whole endeavour, (and I didn’t have to endure the months working on its hackneyed construction). I simply cannot quite get over how unsurprising it all is Time; from Mr Jepp’s acting-by-numbers amalgamation of all his previous performances from the last 25 years into this new and never-more bland creation; to the look; which was once a reason in itself to go and see ‘A Time Bruton Film’ at the cinema; that same look which has become so passe of late that my eyes fail to find purchase, and flap about uselessly against the perspex wall of corporate anonymity, behind which, you, Mr Bruton, dick about with your inane light and picture shows. I now laugh as you look.
Fusing your faux-‘morbid sensibilities'[tm] with 50’s kitsch probably always sounds like a great idea around the development table – with eager executives urging you, their shambolic, droopy-faced champion, the bedraggled underdog turned Crufts Masterchef; Time ‘Mumbles’ Bruton, to reprise all the loveable quirk that has proven time-and-time-and-time-and-time-again, Time,  to make ever-more piles of ever-more whimsical piles of money (receding into curlature at their extreme no doubt). I can imagine you sitting in the anonymous L.A. air-conditioned meeting room with your expensive bottled water, breathing through your mouth as your nose chronically runs, doodling the same obsessive scrawl of yourself as you dolefully sit, much like [insert any Jepp character in a Time Bruton flim from the last 25 years] at the head of said table, the over-enthusiastic development headadges appearing much like the extended family [of imagined character] clamouring expectantly for a sign of adorable inarticulature. I can see how easily you may be misunderstood and be misunderstood, and how easy it may be to understandably sell out, I empathise, I do, I really do. In the same situation, I would probably do the same thing. But please, for the love of all things holy: Stop. Making. Films. Time.
In conclusion, ‘Dark Shadows’ looks shit. I haven’t seen a Time Bruton flim for some years now, and this will be no exception, only growing to my pile of unwatchable drossageature. I have barely tolerated you for long enough, your stubborn insistence on a continued existence within the entertainment-o-sphere is now beyond inexplicable.
I hope you will take my suggestions in the spirit in which they are written, and well-and-truly fuck off now.
Yours Truly,
Jerkwater Berg


(ouch! – Ed.)


So lets look at the numbers …


Looking at the total number of dollars taken, Predator 2 is the lowest grossing film of the franchise.

But wait! When we look at the same figures adjusted for inflation, its actually the THIRD HIGHEST grossing! Not bad for back in 1990 when advertising was limited to newspapers/TV/theatres – no world wide internet or Myspace!

Also – its worth checking out the number of theatres P2 opened in compared with the AVPs and Predators – its less right! If you do a ‘gross by theatres’ calculation – I imagine that would show some surprising results (I have not done that for you here as I’m going to bed).

Thanks to:

Self confessed Predator 2 addict has just proved himself the north west’s no1 Predator 2 fan, but completing Liverpool’s half marathon – dressed as an Predator. Now that’s commitment!

I’m not sure I agree with their unexpected negative response to pretty much everything about Predator 2 (after all it is awesome), but they both agree that it was clearly expensive and “is not a pleasant film”…

Predator 2: a novel

Predator 2: a novel

That’s the question on everyone’s lips – but if you do it could cost you more than you bargained for.

That’s because copies of the paperback novelisation of Predator 2 by Simon Hawke are currently changing hands for up to and over $300!

Just check this page from the Amazon website, where you can see a new copy of the bizzarely titled ‘Predator 2: a novel’ in paperback for £305.42



So got taken down the other day for dubious… illegal file sharing. The US government arrested the owners and an employee or two without the chance of bail. They could be jailed for a loooong time. So they won’t be able to enjoy that Predator Statue anymore…. with the what now?

A list of all the things the US government seized despite their servers…

Cars. Lots of cars:
2010 Mercedes-Benz E63 AMG, VIN WDD2120772A103834, LicensePlate No. “STONED”;73.
2010 Mini Cooper S Coupe, VIN WMWZG32000TZ03651, License PlateNo. “V”;74.
2010 Mercedes-Benz ML63 AMG, VIN WDC1641772A608055, LicensePlate No. “GUILTY”;75.
2007 Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG, VIN WDD2163792A025130, LicensePlate No. “KIMCOM”;76.
2009 Mercedes-Benz ML63 AMG, VIN WDC1641772A542449, LicensePlate No. “MAFIA”;77.
2010 Toyota Vellfire, VIN 7AT0H65MX11041670, License Plate Nos.”WOW” or “7″;78.
2011 Mercedes-Benz G55 AMG, VIN WDB4632702X193395, LicensePlate Nos. “POLICE” or “GDS672″;79.
2011 Toyota Hilux, VIN MR0FZ29G001599926, License PlateNo. “FSN455″;80.
Harley Davidson Motorcycle, VIN 1HD1HPH3XBC803936, LicensePlate No. “36YED”;81.
2010 Mercedes-Benz CL63 AMG, VIN WDD2163742A026653, LicensePlate No. “HACKER”;82.
2005 Mercedes-Benz A170, VIN WDD1690322J184595, License PlateNo. “FUR252″;83.
2005 Mercedes-Benz ML500, VIN WDC1641752A026107, License PlateNo. DFF816
1957 Cadillac El Dorado, VIN 5770137596;86.
2010 Sea-Doo GTX Jet Ski, VIN YDV03103E010;87.
1959 Cadillac Series 62 Convertible, VIN 59F115669;88.
Von Dutch Kustom Motor Bike, VIN 1H9S14955BB451257;89.
2006 Mercedes-Benz CLK DTM, VIN WDB2094421T067269;90.
2010 Mini Cooper S Coupe, VIN WMWZG32000TZ03648 LicensePlate No. “T”;
1989 Lamborghini LM002, VIN ZA9LU45AXKLA12158, License PlateNo. “FRP358″;92.
2011 Mercedes-Benz ML63, VIN 4JGBB7HB0BA666219

A lot of cars for seven guys. How about some dubious art?
Artwork, Predator Statue!!!
Artwork, Anonymous Hooded Sculpture

But wouldn’t be a kingpin operation without gadgets. And they had those too:
Sharp LC-65XS1M 65″ LCD TV
Sharp LC-65XS1M 65″ LCD TV
TVLogic 56″ LUM56W TV
Sharp 108″ LCD Display TV
Sharp 108″ LCD Display TV
Sony PMW-F3K Camera S/N 0200231;101.
Sony PMW-F3K Camera S/N 0200561;
Samsung 820DXN 82″ LCD TV
Samsung 820DXN 82″ LCD TV
Samsung 820DXN 82″ LCD TV

Although this doesn’t quite live up to my threat to create an animated GIF of the whole of Predator 2, this is still a pretty special GIF. Apparently the original footage comes from a promotional campaign for an Alien v’s Predator computer game, but why turn it into a GIF? Because animated GIF’s a freakin awesome mother humper! And don’t let any computer nerd tell you that it should be pronounced ‘jif’, coz that’s just plain stupid. Roll on the full Predator 2 animated GIF…

Predator animated GIF

Predator animated GIF